New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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