i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
