my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If I die, sorry about rent.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
