I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
