wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
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you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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