either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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