Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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