well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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