As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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