Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
