Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
