well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
