I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
