he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
