Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
