Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
