Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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