are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
