you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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