My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
