:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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