we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
