I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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