I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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