When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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