just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
