I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
