She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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