Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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