Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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