K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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