Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
