Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
