broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize