Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
