he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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