): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
