What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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