well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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