Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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