Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
