Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize