Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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