it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
