She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
