I wish I could teleport
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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