She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
