And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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