My underwear smells like fireworks.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
