woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
