so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it was like eating out sand paper
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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