Already got asked if we're dating
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
third nipple confirmed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
