I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
