I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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