I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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