The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
