I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
