My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
