Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
