i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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